| Things have been so busy in the run up to Christmas that I haven’t sat down to write in weeks. Well,its a combination of that and the fact that my very busy almost three year old dropped my tablet pc on the floor. It was my main way to access my blogs and writing and it feels a bit like losing a limb but I have just got to get back to the old,more cumbersome but equally fragile old laptop. Since things were busy I didn’t get a chance to update my blog with the exciting news that I was accepted to Revival magazine back in November. I went into Limerick and read at the launch night as well,which was a great night,held at the ‘White House’bar on O’Connell st. The poem that was accepted was called ‘The Fox’and I was very surprised it was accepted,I submitted two and felt that one was really the ‘underdog’,so to speak but there you go. I have been asked to take part in a reading which will be held at Glor in Ennis in March. A few of the poets that take part in the ‘poetry plus’writing group which is run by the Limerick writers centre will be reading there. I’m nervous,as I always am with readings but I’m sure it will all go fine and in the end I will be glad I took part.
around the time I did the John Liddy workshop hubby reinstalled my tablet pc which I had been using for all my writing but which had been crashing and losing work on me. New install,same problems so at the moment for the first time in years I am writing on…paper! It’s an amazing experience,I can keep old versions,make columns on the page to see versions side by side everything! Following on from a discussion I had with John I have a little notebook then the poem progresses to a bigger notebook and as I have a writer’s group coming up this week it will eventually have to make it to print
Last weekend I took part in a poetry workshop with John Liddy at Limerick writers centre. The workshop was really enjoyable but intensive,I did a record (for me) 6 drafts on a poem which is no where near finished. I learned alot about researching and working an idea to the finish which I’m greatful for,now all thats left is to finish the damn poem…
I don’t know what else to call it but a stage comes,mostly I think towards the end of a high phase,when my energy is still up but my mood could not be descrbed as good. If anything it can be downright aggitated and irritable. I think I am experiencing this right now,although my hind sight is always clearer than when I am in the moment. In the last few days I have attacked any task at hand with enthusiasm,cleaning,getting ready for back to school,planning my daughter’s birthday party etc. But I have become easily annoyed if anything came between me and completing the task. I have also noticed that I don’t have patience for slow or fine motor tasks,my hand shakes when I try to write and though I watch little tv,I was unable to concentrate my gaze on it in my sister’s house this evening. I am also feeling an urgency to getting things done,I wanted to dye my hair redder than it already is and I could not wait to save up,book an appointment etc so I bought a home one and took it to my sister’s rather than wait. You may also notice that my English is suffering as I have no patience for spell and grammer checking when I am like this I just need to get the words out! Perhaps I should leave it for posterity!
Still up,saw my doc yesterday,she was worried because she could see the elation but she was going on hols so she rang the hospital and the psychiatrist’s clinic to keep them all informed and she upped the anti-psych to 15mg’s to see if it would sedate me. So far no,it hasn’t I went to bed late last night and was out for a run at 8am this morning. I feel great,still lots of energy,(also went for forest hike!) though I wasn’t able to sit and read a book today when hubby had taken some of the kids away,my concentration was just non-existent. which is probably the reason that this is all you’re getting tonight…
My mood since I last wrote continued to dip until I reached a point last Tuesday where I felt almost unbearably numb and hopeless. I felt like crying but I couldn’t cry,life seemed pointless. It crept up on me almost imperceptibly,my mind was so numb that I was unaware of how bad I felt until I sat and wrote down all the symptoms. When I saw it written down like that I knew I needed to do something about it so I made an appointment to see my gp.
I got an appointment for last Friday and when I saw her she said that my coming off my medication had probably set me back and suggested that I needed to go back on an anti-psychotic on top of the mood stabilisers if only to help me sleep.
My weekend was busy with friends coming to stay which was a welcome distraction and by Sunday I was feeling a lot better. My doctor had insisted on me coming to see her again on Monday morning and when I was able to report that I had improved she said my medication should continue that way for awhile. She also asked me to get in touch with my psychiatrist’s clinic to keep them informed. However,things change quickly when you are bipolar.
As Monday went on I got more and more energy,I did a lot of cleaning and organising and baking but I didn’t pick up on the change myself,hubby noticed it that night though. Monday night was horrible,my pupils were dilated,my arms and legs were jumpy and I felt sick. I couldn’t sit still and stayed up late writing. On Tuesday I felt great,happy and full of energy and with no intention of contacting the clinic as I had promised but they rang me and I told them the truth about my mood and lack of sleep so they doubled the dose of the anti-psych.
I’m just going to enjoy this for as long as it lasts,I’ve gotten stuff done around the house,I’m writing and I’m happier,there is a down side too,there is an agitation there that I struggle to control at times but all in all,I rather the ups.
A couple of weeks ago I made a very silly and very serious decision,I decided to stop taking my meds. I did this because I was so tired of being almost ok,of being just the low side of normal. My main reason for deciding this was because I was writing so little in comparison to my last high. I reasoned with myself that the chance of having a high,even just a little one was worth the risk of having a crushing low.
It took only a week for me to recognise my mistake. I was hit with neither a dizzing high or a crushing low. The first day or two I felt better,and yes I wrote,for the first time in ages. After that,I began to feel worse,much worse,a sickening,dulling,numbness. I recognised that I needed help and so I told my husband what I had done although I hated admitting it and anticipated the lecture I would receive. Of course he was right,I had put alot at risk chasing the elusive,creative high which had caused us so much damage before,how could he possibly understand that?
A few days later I had a meeting with the psychiatrist and discussed everything with her. She told me that the addictive feeling of the high means that a lot of people with bipolar attempt to come off their medication at some stage. I discussed with her the feeling that I was less creative on the medication and she asked me to consider that it wasn’t exactly that I was less creative but that with a clearer head I was writing differently,taking a more measured approach and spending longer editing each poem. I think she may be partly right on this,I have noticed that I have more patience for working and reworking a piece which I wouldn’t have done before.
The main reason I am writing this is for the benefit of anyone out there like me,on similar treatment. I am still paying for the decision to come off my medication I am struggling daily at the moment with a numbing low,unable to make decisions,think clearly or get any pleasure from my day,I hope it will pass and things will even out.
As mentioned in the last post,myself and my dear long suffering hubby who wouldn’t care I’m sure if he never heard another poem or fiction reading,just got back from Bantry and the west Cork literary festival late yesterday evening.
We had a wonderful weekend,starting out with the drive there through the amazing sceanery from Killarney and over the mountains into Bantry. We stayed in a lovely hotel called the Maritime hotel which hosted a lot of the events and which I would highly recomend.
On friday night we had tickets to an event I was really looking forward to,‘The poetry and passion of Pablo Neruda’. The work was read by David Soul accompanied by a wonderful guitarist. It was a truely moving performance which went through the life of the poet with selected poems read chronologically. By the end of the night I was even more in love with the work of the great man than ever.
After this there was an open mike event back at our hotel which my husband persuaded me to take part in. I was glad I did,it was a friendly crowd and the co-ordinator made me feel at ease.
On Saturday morning we attended a reading and talk by the writer Adrian White. The reading was very enjoyable and was followed by an informative talk on the writer’s experience of self publishing an e-book. There were some attempts by the owners of the establishment (a bookshop) to censor this talk and you couldn’t blaim them since the ‘k’word was used frequently (kindle) though afterwards in a conversation with ourselves and the author she explained the independant booksellers frustration at being left out of the e-book loop when they can actually order and supply them too.
At lunchtime we attended a reading and question and answers session with Justin Cartwright held at Bantry library. Justin read from his current book,‘Other people’s money’.
The festival itself wound up with a final event around 4pm on the Saturday afternoon,a tea party which we did not attend but we stayed on until Sunday and throughly enjoyed our stay in Bantry. We promised ourselves that we would come back to the festival next year with the children as they had many children’s events on which they would have loved.
If there was a flaw in the weekend I would have to say it was the cost of eating out in west Cork. The recession is definatly news to the restauants of Bantry,I follow Colm Tobin on twitter and he put it well when he compared it to Monte Carlo. The only exception we found was on the way home on Sunday. We stopped in Killarney for a few hours and found the most amazing restaurant,a ‘pay as you please’restaurant. Basically you order,eat and then pay what you feel the experience deserves. The food was exceptional,by far the best meal of the weekend and the staff and atmosphere were wonderful,it was hard to leave it so we were happy to pay and I hope they are still there next year.
Eleven years ago I was writing quite a bit of tanka. Its a japanese poetry form like haiku but its slightly longer,with five lines and 31 syllables (if you count them strictly though this is often used as just a rough guide). Another difference between the forms is that tanka often speaks of human relationships and emotions especially love,unlike haiku which is usually an observation from nature though that observation will often have the intention of illiciting emotion in the reader.
Back then I was very proud that one of my tanka was chosen for publication in the then print format journal,American Tanka and now as I finally return to poetry after all these years od child rearing (they’re not over yet!) I am equally delighted that the now digital American Tanka current issue contains one of my recent efforts.
I enjoyed my quick stop at Listowel so much that I began to explore the idea of going to another literary festival. As luck would have it,I saw the West Cork Literary Festival advertised on the Poetry Ireland website and it just happened to be on in July when hubby and I were planning to take a weekend away. I browsed their programme and it had lots of interest to me and I was so excited to see an event about Pablo Neruda that I rang up and booked it straight away in case it sold out! (Yes I probably sound like a total poetry geek)
I await with baited breath a response from Revival,I think their deadline is coming up this week so I’ll keep you posted,its like waiting to see how your child got on their first day at school!
I got word today from the editor of an anthology of english language haiku by women that a poem I had published in a magazine back in 2000 is being considered for publication which I was delighted with.
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